Suicide in separated fathers
 By Charles Pragnell |
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| Selflessness overrules self-pity Any man’s death diminishes me, for I am involved in mankind....” `For whom the Bell tolls’ – John Donne. Recently I attended an event organised by Father’s Rights groups for fathers involved in Family Law proceedings, and where various speakers addressed what they claimed were the major concerns and health issues of separated fathers. Several of the speakers found it necessary to stress what they claimed was a high number of fathers who commit suicide when the outcome of Family Law Proceedings are not favourable to them, and the Courts do not award them contact with or residency of their children which they are seeking. There were several references in the speeches to large numbers of fathers who jumped off bridges or hung themselves and how fathers are not "equipped" to handle anguish as well as mothers. Clearly such an assumption is blatantly untrue on several points. Firstly there is no evidence that there are large numbers of fathers involved in Family Law proceedings who commit suicide because they are denied contact with their children. Homosexual males and aboriginal young men are the major groups which appear in male suicide statistics and no one can presume to know why any person would take their own life. At best it can only be highly speculative. But then, Father’s Rights and Men’s Rights groups have become more than a little adept at making a single instance into a pandemic and placing their own perceptions on events to further their cause. They have used such misrepresentation to influence politicians and the media and have even used their distorted and misleading view of events to threaten the Government: "do what we want or we'll vote you out" and "make us the priority or more of us will commit suicide". From a psychopathological perspective, many men have not had to exercise "selflessness" throughout their lives and to place the needs of others before their own, or to have another person such as a child or a frail elderly parent be entirely dependent on them. Most men are gifted with a high level of emotional intelligence and can empathise and sympathise with those situations and can give selflessly to a partner engaged in caring for a dependent other, but rarely have any had to cope with them. Mothers frequently endure extreme anguish, selflessly and silently, for as long as necessary, for the sake of their child. To anyone with intuition or a trained eye, their silence is far more deafening than the loud cries for pity from fathers, and their suffering so overwhelming that it creates an inability to verbally express their plight and needs. However, less wise authorities will continue to believe that silence is an indication that the anguish of mothers is far less important and they must first address the loud laments of the father. Pretending that all is well becomes a way of life for most mothers caring for children, whilst receiving threats and intimidation from the angry father. Their priority is not to allow their children to sense their suffering. One mother was forced to sleep in a car with her children as it was too dangerous for them to stay in the home. She explained they were happier in the car. She took them away from the fearful element, and joked to them that it was an “adventure”, asking them where they’d like to go next on this exciting little drive. Without question, motherly instinct brought forth natural protectiveness and selflessness, totally overruling any thoughts of self-pity, enabling her to exercise an extraordinary courage she knew would allay their fears. So I agree with the fathers that they are ill-equipped. They are ill-equipped to be able to exercise selflessness as easily as mothers because they haven't had to throughout the marriage. Their anguish turns to anger and they really don't know how to place their children as the priority because the household evolved around the male wage earner. This is particularly the case in families with European backgrounds and/or those with a touch of the lovely old fashioned belief that fathers, being the one “in charge” should be shown more attention and understanding. Therefore, a likely explanation and reason that fathers are ill-equipped to handle anguish is because their beliefs and attitudes, moulded during childhood and adolescence by attention and importance, rejects "selflessness". Such fathers will choose to regard this attribute as being unacceptable and unnecessary and they will argue and disagree with any good thoughts which may stop them getting what they want in the way they’ve always managed to get it in the past. If a father were to think about their children and to place their needs as a priority above their own, they would then know selflessness and completely suppress the self-pity he feels for himself and the anger he feels toward the mother he can no longer control. This is how the majority of mothers manage. There is no room for self pity or anguish, as the daily routine requires total selflessness. There's no time, nor is extreme trauma enough reason to contemplate organising ropes or finding a bridge. Most mothers endure indefinite anguish so that their child will not. Men with this type of personality seek to become the “boss/controller” of the household to try to compensate for their feelings of inadequacy and inferiority and adopt a tyrannical terrorist method of operation. The family learns to tread on egg shells as a daily routine. The marriage usually breaks down, the mother leaves taking the children and the lone male parent, dependent on attention to feed their delusion of self-importance, has no one around to feed or satisfy this need. They are hungry for the power they once had. This sudden loss of attention causes panic. Some have narcissistic personalities and when this type of mind loses control, male or female, it's a “no-holds-barred” situation and they will go to extreme lengths to punish and destroy the person they believe is the cause. Such males are angry and embittered and deeply resentful because they have been rejected as a partner and father, which involves loss of respect, prestige, and status and when nothing they try brings the other person back under control, their anger increases till they are actually “out of their mind”; “mad with anger”. It’s this anger which is often the most likely cause of their self destruction and has nothing to do with the caring and feeling for the child or wife they’ve lost. Whilst at the conference, I was speaking to a father when his mobile phone rang. He excused himself to take the call and after ten minutes or so returned. He then told me his friend was about to commit suicide but he’d talked him out of it. A short while later, he received another call from the same man and again left the meeting to have a chat with and to "save" his friend. It’s very possible that the Fathers Rights groups are contributing to the suicide rate. If any father who is one of their members, should take his life, this promotes a great deal of discussion in their group. This is unhealthy as there will be fathers attending who will be in a very unstable state of mind. By highlighting the latest article relating to a father's suicide, or how one member talked another out of taking his life, and sharing a moments silence to a permanently empty chair, which apparently some Father’s Rights groups do as a ritual, sympathising with the poor man then using his death for publicity of their cause, can plant a seed in the mind of an unstable father, who sees the dead father as a sort of “hero” receiving the attention he is trying to get. So "support" turns into a type of unintentional "brainwashing" when a father who visits the support group hears the stories of the latest cases. To a weakened, tired and vulnerable mind this can prove fatal. It is possible that the sympathy talk is, unintentionally, proving "contagious". The leader of the group may urge that this news be "milked" to push their cause, to get the funding and the weak mind may then, silently begin to contemplate offering himself as a martyr to their cause. Anyone, male or female who is contemplating taking their life, needs the skilled help of an expert professional, not a chat on a mobile phone with a mate, or the endless discussions of hopelessness of a group of similarly disposed others. Such an obsessive focus on the deaths of fathers without a rational and reasoned explanation of each death, rather than an ill-informed presumption, could be promoting more suicides in fathers. “... therefore send not to know for whom the Bell tolls, it tolls for thee!” – John Donne Niki Norris Advocate for Children’s Rights. Co – Author Charles Pragnell Advocate for Children and Families. Back |
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